Something for Fun.
Trauma Warrior and Mental health advocate
Trauma Warrior and Mental health advocate
I’m having a hard time telling mine without it sounding crazy. I’m better in a conversation than a monologue (though admittedly some conversations turn into my monologue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry y’all)
I just go back and forth. Writing and erasing.
I don’t want to ‘bash’ people while telling it so I re-word.
But then people wouldn’t understand because now it sounds to complex and vague.
But now people won’t believe it because I can’t prove it in a tangible way for them right that instant.
Speak from a place of raw emotion they say.
I end up letting my emotion talk and well...
it goes back to what some may consider as ‘bashing’ people. Not because I genuinely wish them ill will, but I am speaking from a place of raw emotion. It’s hard to tell a story you’re emotionally attached to without getting emotional.
Just because I know better doesn’t mean it instantly takes away those deep-rooted feelings and trauma responses.
^^^That my friends is a life long process that no one will be perfect at, but the journey produces the most beautiful of flowers.
So maybe I can’t tell my story in a cohesive Eloquent story yet. because it takes years of the distilling process and finding the right words to use for what you really mean. But that doesn’t make it any less real or impactful.
So this one goes out to all the rolled eyes.
All the people telling me I’m too sensitive.
All the people who think in the back of their minds that I’m just an attention craving whore but never actually say it and just nod with that demeaning sympathetic look. I guarantee you I’ve already had hours/days/years in that turmoil of thoughts.
hate me? Then do it to my face. Do it with passion. least I’ll know where you stand instead of hiding behind niceness like a lying coward.
All the people who say it’s just a phase.
All the people who tell me I’m over exaggerating.
All the people who say but it’s your “insert family member title here” and you only get one.
Ever think my over dramatization in words might be because I’m rarely taken seriously, and I have to communicate in a way to overcompensate? My bark is worse than my bite, but I sure as fuck can back that bark up if backed into a corner.
Maybe if you took two seconds to realize your perspective isn’t the only one and understood that both yours and mine are equally correct.
I respect your perspective just as much as mine, but it doesn’t make it right.
So, I’m going to be as dry as possible and give you the very itty bitty top of the iceberg that umbrellas my experiences.
I am bisexual that grew up in an extremely religious and suppressive environment.
My parents never processed their own trauma and ignored the hard process that is healing. This in turn caused me to be extremely traumatized by their continued cycle of abusive and manipulative behaviors.
I gained self harm behavior because I didn’t know how to process or deal with the ever-growing pressure of the suppressed emotions.
I also gained an unhealthy mindset that only created more chaos.
I instinctively went after relationships that mimicked this unhealthy behavior.
Spiraling me down to rock bottom leaving zero will left to live.
But I’m still here, training my will to live like a body builder every damn day, because I said fuck this, I’m worth it.
I’m not perfect and nor do I ‘have everything figured out’ with my life in perfect order, but I’ve learned some amazing techniques and tools that got me through really really really hard trails. That’s what I want to share, and prove to myself that I am this fucking strong ̿ ̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=(•_•)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿
Sympathy is wasted on me, I got through those times, all I ask is to respect the strength it took to get here.
Starting off I was really excited for this game for many reasons, one big reason is that this studio had a good standing and reputation, and I am enamored with The Witcher series books and story. On PC I have heard its absolutely great and is a night/day difference in comparison to the console experience. But I am not going to lie, there is a weight of disappointment on my experience playing it on my xbox series x, let me tell you why.
The story, the game, the world, and all the hard work that went into creating this world is self-evident. Although the actual performance of the game is absolute crap (in comparison to similar operating games today). The inventory management system kinda grinds my gears the gap between expectations and reality of performance, and the way it is running on the new systems is embarrassing for a game studio of this size and reach. But I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water, because 100% this is on the management higher in the company and not a reflection of the artists and developers who worked their asses off on this game. This has become a continuous problem in the industry of overselling and over-promising to under-delivering, I believe encapsulates a much larger issue in the workforce at large today, but I’ll keep my personal rampages to a minimum ┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°) ├┬┴┬┴ for now…
Inventory management…..guys really? There are so many other games out there that do this well… what the hell happened?? Some things you pick up are not even categorized and you have to very carefully go over the full inventory list to find what you were looking for, and they don’t make it an easy task. I spent a quarter of my time in the game so far trying to come up with a system for organizing my inventory that would not completely drive me bonkers. Side note, I am more particular than most so, take that with a grain of a salt, I guess. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Performance…..Playing on my xbox series x and 4k tv there were many times I looked at the scenery of the game and well… to put it nicely, Minecraft without ray tracing looks better than some of the scenes in this game. I went from Assassins Creed Valhalla to this…. And well assassin’s creed looks way better on my set up. I was riding with Panam through the badlands on a story mission and looked out the window of the car and the foliage looked terrible. Don’t get me wrong, some of the scenes especially in the city are downright gorgeous, but others look like I time warped back to 2007. I have had the game crash several times already but the silver lining I found was a majority of the time it just froze the game and would start back up right where it left off. I also had a funny experience of being stuck in a loop of falling through the game, but those are passable bugs for me, as long as it doesn’t make me loose time spent on the game ಠ_ಥ
The game is extremely in depth and the world kept me wanting more. The shards alone you collect in the game are probably an 800-page book worth! The attention to detail and design are well done and over all a really fun. That is why I am so torn to say the things about it that I am. But then I think about why this happened, and then I don’t feel so badddd. (i wrote that while humming 'my favorite things')
The root issue…. So we have been seeing this in the gaming industry lately, over promising and under delivering….do I dare bring up the disaster that was fallout 76? We keep seeing this happen, and a lot of us are making the connection between poor treatment of workers, bad management decisions, and this kind of public outcome. I guarantee you that the quality department within cd project red were aware of these problems and told the next person in the hierarchical line of them. There is no way this stuff went unnoticed within the company. Also we have been seeing more stories about studios and their policies for ‘crunch time’, which you may have experienced something similar in your own workplaces whether it be directly or indirectly. The end of month rush, or the end of year book closing, ya know, the huge push on production to ‘make the books look good’. To me this is a symptom of a greater disease that is rotting our businesses from the inside out across all industries.
Well... This guy's audio essay puts in best.... i know its long but its worth it and i have it starting and hour and sixteen minutes in because that we it starts to coincide with what i am talking about.
Demonizing your opponent in any capacity is a chaotic endless fight that ends with both parties destroyed. So please do not make the mistake of assuming I am advocating for a specific side.
“Republican” Conservative: Less federal power more state power. Less overarching power and more individualized power
“Democrat” Liberal: More federal power and less state power. More overarching power to standardize power throughout.
For some reason we have gotten to a point where these terms no longer embody or portray the political parties in America today. These political parties over the years have grown and taken on morals as jewels in their shields.
By now both parties have decorated their shields with so many jewels that they are completely unrecognizable from their original form. Their logic and Rhetoric are chaotic and only embodies self-preservation instead of the founding opposing ideals that are needed to prop up this institution. They were meant to be the Yin and Yang that kept this country and democracy running. Not a generalization and categorization of the things and/or morals you either like or don’t like.
A good point of reference and palatable way to show this is Jimmy Kimmel’s video from Jul 28th 2016
‘Republicans’ describe the ‘Democrats’ as these utopians, head in the clouds, idealist without the means.
‘Democrats’ describe the ‘Republicans’ as an arrogant force of order without regard.
I know you can argue that those selected people are not an encompassing view and we can’t generalize from the few. But they are spewing repeated ideas or thoughts tossed around in their communities. And these distilled rationalizations come from a frame of logic/world view that is given to them in a different manner, one that did not support their thought, they would utterly reject it.
Stop looking for short sighted answers and start to build a moral compass that is not easily distracted by the interference of circumstance.
I touched on the idea of understanding the world works in the shades of greys and not to use a strict this or that mindset towards things. Like all of these simple yet profound ideas you don’t just magically come to this understanding. That is why describing these concepts and ideas with words is difficult and there is a lot of room for misunderstanding. They are experienced, through this we understand a tangible truth that can be extremely hard to describe because it eludes our language’s vocabulary AND because experience is subjective.
I am going to take a stab in the dark to try give you bite size tastes of the experience with words. I can only hope for the best for it to resonate with someone LOL.
This would be like telling everyone "the water in this glass is in a liquid state"
and someone listening yelled "what about the water in my glass, its in a liquid state?!? By stating your water is in a liquid state, no other combination of 2 hydrogen's and an oxygen can exist in a liquid state.
sounds like madness right?
approximation measurement -can give you an idea to start, but no actions should be taken with this information
and the exact measurement - needed in order to execute actionables.
If someone gives you an approximation, do not go and use it as a foundation to form another thought. just use it to help paint a picture.
Its like focusing on the movements of the paint brush and criticizing and telling the artist what they are painting before they are done
No one really covers the cons of being a master, but we love to point out the cons of being a beginner everything has pros and cons, and i mean everything.
From my observation i have found the con of mastery to be a hyper critical mind. because you understand the nuances and look at like many parts to a large moving machine.
Whereas the beginner tends to see it as a whole producing an outcome.
Both perspectives are important, but one does not view themselves as 'better than the other'
This is how you nourish your soul. understanding with a loving embrace both the good and the bad. for one cannot exist without the other
This blog came out of my life experiences and personal goals to always be a work in progress, a forever student of wisdom, and a better understanding.